when u age, u r less willing to know more people

One colleague told me this. he asked how old i am. 26? tats almost time b4 u get left on e shelf. i din knw Japs get termed "expired" after 25! can't believe in such modernised/westernised era, people still has the concept of an ideal age for marriage. so im expired! im worried, but not in the sense of being single, but in fear of the ambiguilty of the future; im not even convinced tat i'll b married. or i simply cant imagine hw im going to get married. nw its not the age factor anymore, its the events.

i duno y i started mentioning the banned topic to him. it was hard, trust me. it is hard to admit this misbehaviour n i can't imagine wat kind of impression it would be in him about me. i duno how he can actually read n guess my mind spot on. i was speechless, silence would be a bigger killer. so i can only deny everything. i was thinking that would kill the silence n "get him away", away from more damages. thinking back, denial was due to my fear of being hurt, but under the impression of preventing not to hurt him. (in fact i was the 1 hurt now. the feeling of wanting to cry but no tears to drop is back. the 1st was when i was reali heartbroken n lost all hopes after yh's silent departure.)

but i did not regret my action today although it's rather abrupt. at least i knw he knws wats going on n i did not misunderstand. i believe him totally tat all these were nv planned, but it jus happened so smoothly that we got along well bcoz of the "crisis". perhaps this is the display of 'when 1 door closes, another opens'.

as i was forcing myself to close this door, another funny door opened. jus got a call from a long ago fren who suddenly contacted me after mayb 4yrs of disappearance. he is jus like me, a direct harmless person. but he is more hopeful than me. he actually tot we could be together! thru the hr of conversation, he was reali frank about his feelings, intensions n sooo direct i felt bad taking it as a joke. he even insisted on giving me a good nite kiss over the phone! well, i jus take it as a brotherly kiss since i dun have 1 b4... haha

Aug had been a 'roller coaster' month for me. so much ups n downs had occurred n i realised my impact on the people around me. for the 1st time in my life, i discovered my importance n love from people all around. i recalled my childhood moment when i tot nobody would bother to shed a tear if i died then. now i realise i do not need people to shed their tear for me, but for remembering me in the good ways, wonderful moments which i missed all the time.

you are right! i'v fallen into ur trap without me knowing. i can't believe this happened so fast. y did u have to be so cruel to point that to me? more cruelty to confirm my fears of differences in expectations n KPIs. getting that late night call was relieving. although it sounded so convincing that he is the best offer, i still held the hope for HIM. i know i'll be in good hands with HIM but it's jus too draining to even start trying.

i dun wanna hurt him thus i hurt myself now to prevent further damages. im not trying to be heroic. i dun wanna waste his time n get wounded even more. i hope the direction will be clearer soon.