September's coming...

2mlw's 1st sept liao!!! i was on e bus hm yest then i realised its already 30th aug...

so lag??? no sense of time recently. mayb rot at hm 2long last mth... yest 4pm off liao. but din wanna go hm snatch comp, so used in sch... planned 2use 1hr then go buy my textbk... so hopefully reach hm ard 7pm... who knws... use till 6pm lor... then left sch at 6.41pm!!! then traffic jam... reach hm at 8.30pm... then 1030 start do my tut 4e 1st lesson 2day... so can oli zz at 1am...coz haven digest wat e lecturer taught. 'lan4'

so nw again lor... in sch lunch break 2hr... planned 2eat at 1pm... coz 2pm got lesson. but like so many tgs 2do on comp so haven go eat. wanted go deans ask if i can change modules. nw no time liao lor...

y i everyday so bz, cant even have enough zz??? stressed...

thz AC!!!

saw e 'two matters' lyrics in ur blog... been wanting 2look 4them... again 1of e bei4 yi2 wang4 stuff lah. m i v stressed? hw come cant seem 2rmbr tgs these days? hopeless. been having v dull days... notg 2blog. but got 1tg i ling3 wu4 -- oli biz ppl in nus r gd. as in e staff lah... sent plenty of emails 2other dept ppl... either lag or reply oli after i call down... stupid rite? then still needa reply email meh? wats tat 4then? n their attitude normally v irritating 1lor. not like biz -- even nina impressed!!! haha. they reali tok 2u nicely n clear all ur doubts. tat kind of jing4 xing1 jing4 li4, like treat u as zhi4 ji3 ren2 1... make me feel so welcomed (coz i dun reali like nus in e 1st place). but i still cant seem 2fit in2 anywhere. abit disappointing, like gu1 fu4 their help.

tink i reali needa buy a laptop soon... my sisses been snatching comp w me. so irritating. i sian so chat on msn they also nag... they oso surf 2chat oli mah, i so nice let them use. c, another case of misfit... or is it im 2paranoid, exaggerate everytg???

wat would b a gd form of jing1 shen2 ji4 tuo1? cca still draging coz haven got e info i needed... drag by those lag replies lor. but i cant possibly b bz 4 3full days in a wk over cca bah? like tat oso quite demotivating 2participate. im lookg 4more variety, more colours in my life. wanna try diff new tgs... but old liao, sure fail 1... dun tink i can tk those blows yet... so when can i get out of this state?

duno wats in my head...

jus feel so congested w tgs in my head... like alot of tgs 2do oso... but cant do them. i'v been bz 2day. but seems like no progress at all. still got lots of tgs needa do. guess i jus din like 2do them alone... actually wanted go ktv 2day. but i knw i'll needa do my tut 1st. so persuaded myself 2postphone tat. so it gets clogged up in e KIV section w lots of others (buy shoes, buy laptop, buy textbk, print lecture notes, read up lecture which i missed, wats more... c, cant rmbr nw) been having e problem realising tgs 2late recently. coz all e KIV 2long stuff gets washed out due 2not enough memory bytes!!!

Now, tinkg whether i needa get more allowance fr my parents coz e stupid concession cant b activated yet. been paying $10 every 3days on transport... 3wks liao. no $$$.
Finally my dad's looking 4a job. but havent been successful. din even get a chance go interview. coz he still havent wake up 2reality!!! he so old liao(50) n no relevant experience or skills, hw 2work as store assitant (as in e warehouse kind). not i wanna throw him cold water, but mus reali understand e market 1st mah. 35, ppl still mus consider. u 50 sure dun need say 1lor. at least he has started his search lah. hope he learns his lesson n change his plans (other jobs) soon...

by e way, AC, can u pls make ur blog public? if not i cant access ur blog fr my link oso. thz ah... tis is 1more of those KIV tgs which i keep 4getting... hopeless ah.

e SAF shoes

yest when i reached hm, saw this pair of SAF sports shoes at my doorsteps... my parents chatting w e owner in my kitchen. wondering who's e owner coz my relatives mainly females n much older (30s) so who can it b... anyway e pt is it reminded me of sj's sweet thoughts of offering 2get e shoes 4me w his credits. he liked e design v much, coz got his favourite colours on it... 2bad i din get 2own it, if not i wouldnt b so unhapi, at least have smtg 2rmbr him w... another sad case... my indian 'slippers' i'v been wearing since new year is giving away... always have all these losses when he leaves me... (e other time was necklace) its e 1st pair of shoes i bought w him ard, n always wear 2meet him. still tinkg of ways 2keep it so tat my family members duno or dun care... well, needa shop 4new shoes liao. headache... =(

so e SAF shoes belonged 2my handsm cousin... shld b early 30s... 2bad u all no chance liao, coz his wife giving birth nxt mth ard 19... he askg if any1 got lobang 4chalet, coz needa plan 4his son's full mth celebration. din wanna have it at hm coz will make a mess... 40-50 guests leh, of course lah... w those kids smmore. my dad suggested mac or kfc... but he tink not v nice 2like chase e guests away while toking halfway (coz got time limit) n wat if e guests coming after work... then ended liao... so tot chalet betta, can bbq if e guests wan... more fun n free lor. so any1 got lobang pls reco k. thz alot =)

e opposite of love is not hate. its indifference

in yh's case, i psycho myself 2tink tat he is not suitable 4me. i'll remind myself tat even if he comes back, i'll not patch back w him... not bcoz i tink he's not gd enough 4me, but jus tat i convince myself tat he'll treat me w a cold shoulder again when he is tired of e relationship. im convinced tat he is a loyal partner(having had a 4-yr relationship)... perhaps jus 2make myself 4get him faster n thoroughly(coz he sounded like we will nv b possible)... i had 2pump all e bad tgs abt him, abt us if we were 2gether... in2 my brain n soul. e few memories i had of him n us had faded since... most prob due 2e -ve tinkgs...

but this time, i dun wanna lose any memories i have w sj. i finally agreed w myself tat it mus b tough 4him 2break up w me. im not tryg 2say tat my mei4 li4 so great, but i knw wat he's tryg 2do... tats my secret... anyway im still tryg 2treat him as a fren, a normal fren as he wished... coz i believe tats e least i can do nw...

although e 1st method quite effective... but i finally realised 2completely fang4 xie4 is 2b able 2face it... "e opposite of love is not hate. its indifference"
so i'v been recollecting those memories, tryg 2not have 2much emotions when i recall them.
then i realised there r sm i'v already 4gotten. lousy me, abit of tgs oso cant rmbr properly... anyway, i'll try my best. all e best 2sj... i knw he'll b able 2deal w tgs betta w/o me being his burden... tk carez

regrets???

continuing from <>, 4get 2mention... i dun regret having waited lor... although i shld admit i dun mind giving yh another chance (coz i use 2hope he'll return), but i rejected him right on e spot... told him i'll treat him like his best fren treats him... coz i still feel tat im happier n more fortunate(xing fu) w sj...

still i have no regrets. although we broke off. coz im grateful 2have him w me 4 2yrs... although i can rmbr most of e recent yr's events oli. actually tinkg back, i'v been feeling guilty this whole yr... or at least half e yr. coz he gave up his career 2spend time w me. tats y i'v been askg abt his plans, when he decides 2return 2his career (2fight). he'll always tell me not 2worry, he'll make e plans himself... actually i expected this day 2come v soon... jus din expect he'll cut off connections w me... but i understand his yong xing liang ku lor.

im v sorry 2hold up his time n plans 2... tink im jus a burden 2him lor... giving him more stress.

tinkg back, i regret giving him e letter 2initiate e break up 1yr 5mths ago... 2letters smmore... coz he lied tat he din c e 1st letter... after knwg, i reali regretted lor... u knw its like he's tryg his best but im doing e opposite. i always wanna grow w him, knw his progress, c him change in2 a betta person... but i always had 2leave when he start changes. i'll always miss his chen zhang guo chen... i feel so lousy, such a failure. i wasnt there when he needed my support... tats y i nv blamed him when he was not by my side when i needed him... wat right have i?

wats urs will b urs

lx, tats wat i owe u...

abt 2.5 yrs ago... jan 2002, ard 20th... yh(ex) called me. its a fine sun morning... jus out of bed. we were chatting quite happily then he said he had smtg 2tell me. his tone turned serious. so i prepared myself 4e worse... he asked me 2wait 4him 4half a yr. his reason: he needed time 2get over his breakup w his 4-yr gf...i wasnt sad... although i weeped... coz half a yr was reasonable, 2me... in exchange 4 a long-term relationship. so i agreed.but after tat call... he ignored me, ignored my calls, msgs... i started 2worry... but there was still no news fr him.

2me, waiting means we can still contact each other right? since he's still in spore... its not even as if he's in army, training so cant contact. so i shared this w a guy fren... n he told me this is called silent break. he even laughed at me 4being ignorant 2these signs... when i reali didt knw this tg exist b4 he told me lor. but i dun believe tat yh will treat me this way. although i cant b sure he did feel smtg abt me, but i knw he knws tat im e ben ben kind n he used 2treat me betta coz of this. he shld knw i duno wats silent break. anyway, abt 1mth after his call, i went 2temple 2ask buddha... n i got a shang qian... supposed 2b lah. it says "tang seng qu jing" tat means e monk in journey 2e west go attain enlightenmt n got e precious scriptures lor... rmbr his journey was real tough... real long (tink 10yrs or so isit?) so it means yh will b back... duno when. but as long as i wait, there'll b a gd ending 4us... perhaps...

but after tat i heard fr yh's indirect fren tat he committed suicide by tkg drugs n was hospitalised. then i knew i was notg 2him... of course i cant expect i can tk over e place his ex-gf was... but at least he shld have tot of my feeling b4 doing it if i reali did stand a place in his heart. i kept on msgg n calling... jus 2find out tat he finds me more irritating then concerning. n he's been changing gfs since... he kept tryg 2make me irritated w him, or even hate him... n of course i knew i cant do anytg much liao...

so 4e nxt 3mths... i told myself hw bad he was, hw extreme our personality n tinkgs were... forcing myself 2 4get abt him. i told myself e reason im holding on is becoz 'wo bu fu'... jus 3wks... n he made me suffer so much... but of course i dun hate him. coz he saved me out of tat pervert's hands n taught me real love. so i thank him 4tat.

then, jus 2mths ago, he contacted me... almost every other day. he knws im attached(supposedly). i jus treat him as a fren. i knw he has changed. n he wans me 2knw tat he has changed 2. 1nite, we met up... after dinner, he requested 2walk me hm fr bdk interchange... he requested 2walk e longer route... i knew he had smtg 2tell me... he was jus biulding up his courage level... n finally abt an hr later, he decided 2leave... it was like 11.30++ real late lor... so have to tk cab back, coz he stay in tpy. as usu, he not familiar w my area, so i had 2walk him over 2e main rd where he used 2tk cab fr... so we stood up n on e way he told me he had been tinkg 4sm time... he knws he's 2late... im already attached.

so nw u get me? wats urs will b urs, smday or other... ...

There r mani betta guys out there... im sorrie...

tat was his nick last nite...
e pt is, its not whether there r betta ppl out there... its finding e best fit, e 1tat u can treasure n he can. who cares if other ppl r betta. they may jus find me not gd enough 4them... anyway, there's no pt arguing, coz its over. its history. jus like we cant blame japanese 4wat their ancestors have done...

btw, i still get those extreme emotions this few days. hope i wont offend ppl w it. tats y i tot its betta 2b alone, away, so tat i dont make others angry. last nite my fren kept telling me smday i'l find a betta guy, i'll find e betta guy soon, may jus meet tis betta guy in uni... ... making me more mad!!! i nv liked uni guys ok... n in biz... hopeless. so i told her off. reali sorry. although i did apologise after tat, tats not e pt. e pt is it did scratch our relationship... so pls do not mention abt me meeting betta guys ok... as frens ok... but not in tat sense... thz

It's "the end" ... ... but not happily ever after

he called. finally... after 3mths. but its not gd news... he insisted on a break up. i din cry immediately, tryg 2comfort myself by tinkg he's jus testing me out, he jus need more freedom... i was wrong... he kept telling me i shld have got his hint long ago... but i was confident of him n have full faith that we jus needed a short break. he'll b back when he has enough of play, freedom. i'll jus wait... its ok 4me. he knws. but he say this makes him feel guilty...thats y he initiated a break up...

y? of all reasons... guilt? surely our relationship is more than jus that... ain't i worth it? i was wondering: would any1 give up sm1 u tink is gd enough 4u jus because u feel guilty not being able 2keep him/her company... that u have 2make him/her wait... that's silly. u knw he/she wont mind... breaking up would jus make e other party hurt more...

i have so much 2say... but i'll nv b able 2say them again. i tried real hard 2persuade him, 2let him knw hw i feel, remind him that im willing 2make changes, 2adapt 2everytg... but he insisted it's nv possible again between us...

so heartless... like wat i'v always called him when joking... he can actually 4get our relationship, wat happened, abt sugar, abt hw hard we fought b4... ... in jus 3mths... 5days less than 3mths!!!

im tired. reali tired. not of waitg. but of fighting emotionally. these 3mths have been e most irritating time in my life. e battlefield in my heart n soul has been on duty... almost everyday, w different reasons 2conquer... where was he when i needed him most? he has always been my emotional support... there's notg i cant tok abt w him. nw he's gone. who will listen 2me again... there r tgs which i can oli tell him... nobody else. so fr nw on i'll have 2leave these tgs aside. i'v been tryg 2mend it this 3mths... it jus cant seem 2stick back. nw another blow. a strong heartless 1...

it seems i was jus telling ppl we r happily 2gether yesterday. 2day i'll have 2change all these lines. i hate 2admit. but wat else can i do... i was jus tryg 2recall all e memories i have w him. nw im supposed 24get every1 of them???

i jus feel like... ...

long time no see o_o

wah, so long since i last blogged... notg interesting 2write anyway. nobody cares 2... still so sian go sch everyday lor... but im tryg 2make myself hapi, occupied n watever terms u can use 2describe a radiant, confident young lady =p been watching a few drama serials n been enlightened... been tryg 2apply 2myself, 2motivate myself... wanna make me stronger!!!
been telling myself :"nobody can help u except urself. nobody cares if u fall!!! they wont knw if u've fallen if u stand up fast enough. so if u dun stand up on ur own, u'll jus b trampled over n nobody will ever c u again..."

Aiyoh ... ...

headache ah !!! so long nv come in... had 2go thru quite alot of trouble 2create tis entry. hope ppl reply 2it lah. been 'bu wu zhen ye' 4 a mth liao. go look 4job oso lazy. even my favourite swim has been delayed for 2wks liao. 'wu yao ke jiu' serious problem here. c who got 'mi fang' can cure 'huan xiang zhen' or 'gu pi zhen' .... ... feel free 2share w me... then if real effective can 'fa yang guang da' !!! any1 have wkly programs/outings can invite oso... betta than dreaming at home, become zombie or worse still... ... insane!!! k lah, long enough 4a welcome back msg lah. njoy readg my blogs bah =p